In my daily battle with my rational mind, it appears that my heart, along with the most Divine version of myself, have been left in San Francisco. Back in August of 2010 my father passed away. A few days prior to his passing, after a conversation we had, I decided that my 11 year adventure on the west coast was coming to it’s natural end. I wasn’t jumping on a plane or anything, but I felt a pull back to the rooted nature of the east coast. It was only days later that I did have to make an unfathomable, torturous flight and I found myself telling everyone at the funeral that I was the one who was coming back east to be closer to my mom, not my sister who was 18 years into her California dream.
While my Goddess-self might pay a visit here in New Jersey, she only stays a short while and her visits apparently aren’t fulfilling enough for her to stick around. A rumble in the spine while meditating, the occasional flicker of light in the corner of my eye, my everyday dance with God has faded into subtle acknowledgements when I hear someone speak of Truth. The sunsets don’t bring a tear to my eye, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s expanding in yoga class, nothing seems to be giving my that goose-bump high that signals to me that, “I AM.”
What role does God play in my life?
I’d hate to talk about God without prefacing my concept of what God is. I was raised Catholic, baptized, confirmed, the whole bit – but I, as an adult, currently don’t subscribe to an organized religion. I suppose I am in the “God is Love” camp. Like Deepak Chopra, I believe God is the all-knowing, omnipresent, omnipotent. It’s almost as if you try to put it into words, you’ve already lost it’s meaning. God is what some people call Universal Consciousness. It is from which everything comes and which everything returns.
If I had to choose, I would say my spiritual practice it most Buddhist like. Although my meditation practice leaves a lot to be desired, I do believe in many of the traditional Buddhist principles. I try to practice mindfulness, believe in reincarnation – even though the time/space continuum is a human experience – and I do believe we come back each lifetime to learn the lessons we were unable to learn in our previous life. I totally dig quantum physics, am down with the Big Bang Theory, and I also connect deeply to the Hindu practice of yoga, physically, mentally and in community.
So what’s my beef with New Jersey?
I recognize this is my own personal struggle, regardless of the physical state I am in, but my mental state is that of lack, disappointment and fear. As the playground of my childhood, New Jersey also happens to be representative of quite a few painful memories. The ones where my lack of self-worth developed causing unexpressed emotions to burry themselves deep in my subconscious while simultaneously revealing themselves in excess on my hips, cheeks and thighs. Am I back to confront something I didn’t have the strength to deal with 11 years ago?
When I left the east coast in January of 2000, I knew I was setting out to learn more about the meaning of life. At the time I was miserable, even though I had a good job, lots of friends and an active social life. But I was ready to grow, I knew there had to be more to life than talking about the annual Barney’s Warehouse Sale or the latest Sex and the City episode. What I did discover in the bay area is a world that I knew deep in my heart existed. A world that is loving and infinite. A world that no matter what I have, who I date (or don’t date) or whether or not I am wearing the latest fashions, I am perfect, whole and complete. In San Francisco I discovered, transformed and awakened to the woman I always wanted to be. Where did she go?
My Monkey Mind
I’m not consumed with my self-doubt, but that familiar stench of “What? Why? How?” is wafting around this joint. I am having to rebuild my life here, and my soul family support system all tell me I need to cut myself a break. But what if I can’t find a job? What if I can’t get an apartment? Why is this taking so long? My mind chatter barely gives it a rest. Where does all this faithlessness come from? It’s an old story, a tired pattern, a behavior that no longer serves me. For lack of a better cause and the knowledge to know better than to point a finger at someone, I am going to blame New Jersey.
While this all might sound like a personal journal entry (as lots of blogs do), it’s representative of a challenge we all have, regardless of what our journey looks like. Sometimes we can’t remember anything but our humanness, and we’ve let the darkness consume most of our light. God is everywhere, God is everything, God is. I am all light “%?@#$”! I came back from California with a giant bag of tools and I have to remember to use them. I guess the hardest one is the one I need to use now. I have no choice but to surrender. I am not in control no matter how much I think I am. I need to be grateful for what is and appreciate the things I do have. Ultimately however, I need to let go and let God.